Vita è Bella!

Thoughts on farewells

I don't know if this is good or bad, or just something natural that happens over the course of life... but I feel like I'm learning how to say goodbye.

The goodbyes themselves aren't easy, by any means, nor will they ever be. But I'm learning how to discern that which merits a true goodbye versus that which I would deem a short-term goodbye. Most of the goodbyes I've been saying lately are the latter: they're merely temporary, unless (God forbid) something beyond anyone's control were to happen over the course of the upcoming semester. But in all hopefulness, these goodbyes are only awkward ways of saying, "See you in (insert # of months)!" with the underlying awareness that, upon returning, life will have evolved and both myself and those I'm saying farewell to will inevitably have changed. This change can be hard to deal with, yes, and perhaps that's what I've been fearing the most. Honestly, the deepest source of my anxiety over the past few weeks has been that sinking feeling in the back of my mind, that little voice telling me that nothing is ever going to be the same again. I know it to be true, based upon last year, as well as any ending I've ever faced in my life. I'm afraid to let go of everything I've been working to build up this year, out of a fear that it will crash back to the ground as soon as I step away. But I need to pause and remember that change is inevitable, and even the earth beneath our feet shifts over time. I have to trust the foundations I've built to God, and to realize that He alone will hold together that which is meant to last.

It's surprising, sometimes, what really is meant to last... Alas, it's rather bittersweet. Images flash through my mind, with memories of faces, laughter, music, tears... It's amazing how promises of forever can fade, and how feeble beginnings can build into unbreakable connections. Sometimes those true goodbyes sneak up on us over time, without our ever realizing there was any danger. Friends "forever" can grow apart, just as self-proclaimed enemies can grow into companions. I wonder what makes the difference, and what leads certain people to remain close and others to drift. Is it a matter of values? Or where we commit our time? Or does it just... happen? I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that sometimes the true goodbyes happen with the people we least expect to ever say goodbye to, and not even as the result of death, or a move, or a graduation. I've had to say true goodbyes to people even as they continued to touch on the outskirts of my life, wandering through like oddly familiar strangers, spreading shadows of the past as they went.

But even those goodbyes aren't necessarily forever. Even after a person has drifted away, you're still altered by the impression they leave on your heart, and the lessons you gain over the course of their journey through your life. In a way, every time you remember that person or think about them, you're defying the goodbye, letting them live on within you. This is particularly true for those goodbyes that result from death. It reminds me of the movie "The Lion King" -- "He lives in you." The ones we love never truly leave us, so long as we keep their memory and all that they stood for burning within us. Death is not a true goodbye. So what is, then? Maybe I was wrong... maybe there's no such thing as a true goodbye. No matter where we drift over the course of our lives, and even at our lives' ends, inevitably a little piece of our heart never says goodbye to those who have touched us in some way, whether we were aware of it or not. God knows no goodbyes. And if we recognize that, then we'll realize that we, too, have to trust that all the goodbyes of our lives are merely temporary.

So here I sit, hunched over on my bed typing this, occasionally staring out the window at the cars that meander up and down my street, reflecting upon all that has come, and all that's yet to be. I find reassurance in these reflections, particularly as I stand on the verge of one of the most life-altering experiences yet to enter my young life. My world is going to be turned upside-down once more, and I'm going to do things I've never dreamed, and see things I've only read about. I'm going to see different sides of myself, and step beyond the sheltered walls of my life, and hopefully grow closer to God in the process. And when I come back, I'll find that I, like those I love and treasure, will have evolved. But it's going to be okay... and even though I'll have to reappraise the foundations I left behind, I know that if I just trust God, He'll lead to me on a steady path. Those who are meant to remain strong figures in my life will be there waiting for me, and even if things change, so be it. I'm a better person for having known each and every person to enter my life, and I'm grateful for what has been. What is to be, in a way, is up to those people, because Lord knows that when I return, I'll be ready and eager to pick up where we left off. I'll welcome each person as they enter in, and trust in God's ultimate plans for their lives and mine.

I'm learning how to say goodbye, at least temporarily... but now I know that none of these goodbyes will be forever. They can't be.

I'm going to defy goodbyes!

posted by Sarah @ 6:10 PM