Theology is one of those enigmatic words that no two people understand in the same way. To me, theology is the timeless quest to understand the truths and nature of God as revealed to humanity through creation, human intellect, and emotion. The fundamental elements of this quest lie in the study of our experiences of the divine (both on a physical and metaphysical plane), as well as in the study of how these experiences influence our personal actions and our lives. The study of theology can seem fragile and elusive, and thus daunting, because our insights shift as our experiences multiply. Over time, these shifts have led to the creation of numerous areas of specific theological exploration. At its core, though, theology rests on humankind’s inherent desire to understand the sublime, and to make some sense of something greater than our comprehension.
Random late-night poem, Hotel Tiziano, Roma
Friday night in, 11:14 PM, ringing silence broken only by
the flip of a page or a distant voice in the hall.
The room seems even emptier in the wake of such genuine
laughter, and I smile and sigh simultaneously.
Another flashback to an evening of long walks on uneven
cobblestone, surreal sights and dreams in the heart of Rome.
Another pang of bittersweet reality cuts through the misty
illusion enshrouding these frenzied days.
I'm living a dream...
The only problem is, the dreams consumes so much of my
perception that I fear I can't yet comprehend my life.
I never knew I could feel so much yet be so afraid to
trust my emotions, if only because I can't verify my reality.
I want to embrace each rush of joy and revel in this
growing sense of humility, in all its gentle immensity.
I long to run out into the world and explore every corner,
pausing whenever the urge strikes in moments of sudden discovery.
I yearn to find something deeper reflected in these walls, and
stir myself to greater realization of all I'm able to achieve.
I want to do it all, and properly -- to soak in this dream
with gratitude and openness, curiosity and willingness,
a heart of faith and a mind of purpose.
I want to truly
live this dream.
And sitting here, 11:42 PM, mind reeling with flashbacks and
voices and visions...
I'm finally starting to realize I can.
Home
Hello all! I've returned safely to America, and have spent the past week and a half just easing back into life at Saint Mary's. I've been taking a lot of walks/runs, editing my photos, watching movies, and spending time with Kristy, lots of friends, and Tim. It's been an interesting adjustment, but all in all I'm quite glad to be back!
On Thursday, May 3rd, I woke up at approximately 7:14 AM because there were several miniature goals I needed to accomplish. I paid my final visit to our Rome library, then wandered around to the markets of Campo di Fiori and other random places in search of the quintessential touristy blue "Italia" sweatshirt and a "Ciao Bella!" t-shirt. In the process, I also found a cute skirt! It was exciting. I made some rounds to the local grocery stores as well, and ended up buying around 35 Happy Hippos (not nearly enough, in retrospect! I should have bought 300, if only there'd been a way to transport them...) and then took one final walk through the Roman Forum and past the Colosseum. It still felt so surreal... it still
feels so surreal. I keep looking at my pictures and thinking, "Wow. That really happened, didn't it?"
I can't believe how fast it went.
Anyway. So then I showered and got ready for our closing banquet, which was really nice. Everyone was dressed up and looking beautiful, and the food was incredible in every way! They served several courses and ample amounts of wine and champagne, the effects of which were amusing to behold. I already miss our Hotel Tiz meals... mmm. Sad. But the best part was definitely seeing all our professors, lecturers, and seminarian friends! I wish we'd gotten to eat at the same table as them, but it was nice to be able to see them and take pictures and say goodbye officially. After dessert (an amazingly good Italian form of strawberry shortcake!) pure chaos erupted as everyone stood up to mill around taking pictures with various groups and different professors. Poor Father Mark took a full hour just to get through the crowd! I think he was in somewhere around 500 pictures all within the space of that hour, haha. Valentina, one of our food servers from the Hotel and an incredibly funny, warm young woman with sparkling brown eyes and a contagious laugh, also ended up in an absurd number of pictures. We formed such a tight bond with her over the course of the semester that it was hard to say goodbye! Apparently this is her first year, so we're her first group of Saint Mary's students, which made it even harder for her to say goodbye too. We both shed lots of tears.
After I cleaned up, washed my face and got myself comfy again, I trekked down to St. Peter's one last time. I walked around the inside in the same dreamlike state as when I first entered it. Everything took on a deeper significance, and suddenly I found myself trying to see and retain every little detail! I walked around slowly, my eyes scanning over the walls and mosaics and the statues and the crowds, trying with all my might to capture every inch of that amazing place in my memory. And yet again, the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I couldn't help it. St. Peter's is quite simply the most beautiful architectural structure I have ever beheld, and you can just feel the Spirit alive in its every stone. I will miss it so much. As I turned to go, I was surprised to discover the far left entrance open. This door is used primarily for funerals, and prior to this I had never even seen it open. It seemed oddly appropriate that I would exit out that door after my final visit of my time in Rome. I walked out into the bright early evening air feeling oddly serene. Sad, yes, but composed and ready to step forward. That sensation stayed with me as I wandered around St. Peter's Square one last time. I reveled in its beauty, and breathed in all the memories I'd accumulated and all the years and years of history and grace that permeate the cobblestone and whisper in the winds that blow through the columnade. I stood there as long as I could, then made my way back home as the sun set on my final day in Rome.
We went to one final San Andrea Mass next door, at which we had to say goodbye to our friend Tomas, which was hard. He's a wonderful man! We will miss him. After that, we just packed in the room for a while before heading over to Pascucci's one last time to use up our money and get some food for the journey. Then a bunch of the girls and I walked down to Giolitti's for our last gelato cone (nocciola, tiramisu, and torrone) then over to the Trevi for our coin toss. When you visit the Trevi, you're supposed to use your right hand to throw a coin over your left shoulder while facing away from the fountain. You get to make one wish on your own, and with the toss you make a promise that you'll return to Rome someday. I'd been saving my coin toss for that last night, and finally doing it that night made our impending departure seem more real than it had before. We went to the Pantheon one last time, then trudged through the light rain back to the Hotel to pack up and await our departure time. Most of us opted to stay awake the whole night, which was fine by me. We were scheduled to leave at 4 AM, but the bus was a little late. We all crammed our luggage into the lobby and frantically threw everything onto the bus when it finally arrived. Thirty of us were returning right away, and 20 were staying later. Most of the ones who were staying later came down anyway, though, just to say goodbye and help see us off. It was so sad leaving! They stood in the rain and waved at us as we pulled away, and we all waved back, realizing for the first time that we were about to be torn away from the people we'd called family for nearly four months.
It was real.
The rest of the journey is kind of a blur. We got on the plane after some confusion and some luggage issues (mine was most definitely overweight! But the woman didn't charge me, thank heavens. I'm a lucky girl.) We arrived in Paris, found our new gate, and sat down to nap and chat and await the boarding time. We were all so exhausted! We finally got on the next plane and settled in for a 9 hour flight. It left at 1:15 PM, Paris time. We spent the time napping and watching movies, feeling completely removed from all space and time... and then we landed at 3 PM Chicago time. So crazy! It was odd to get off and see signs in just English everywhere... it was very odd. Our luggage went through pretty quickly, and then when we walked out I saw Mom and Dad waiting for me with a balloon!! :-) I was basically filled with joy! Exhausted joy.
My friend Lisa joined us for the ride back to Saint Mary's, and her first comment was, "The cars are so BIG here!" We've been used to little Smartcars in Rome, and motorbikes all over the place. But now we're back in the land of wide roads and SUV's and semi trucks and Hummers! Goodness.
Mom handed me my cell phone, and I made a few phone calls as we drove. We got back to Saint Mary's and dropped Lisa off, then picked up Kristy. It was so good to see her again!! We hugged for a couple minutes, haha. Then I walked along St. Mary's Lake at Notre Dame and met Tim by a bench near the Grotto. We were both just so delighted to be with each other again that we could scarcely stop smiling! We stopped at the Grotto, lit a couple candles, then skipped (literally, at times) down the road to the Avenue of SMC to meet up with the fam. We went out to dinner at Papa Vino's, which was fun, and we were all fairly slaphappy and loopy. I love our family! Mom was worried that he was going to think we were all insane, but he had a good time. I just remember sitting there and grinning from ear to ear, glancing from one person to the next and feeling completely happy. I couldn't have asked for a better first night home!
All in all... life is still amazingly beautiful.
More to come! :-)
Hello's and Goodbye's
Well...
here I
sit,
just minutes after completing my last final.
My last final in
Rome. The
last time I
will sit in
that room,
where I
sat through so
many excruciatingly long and warm days of Art
History and not enough (
and all
too fleeting)
Father Mark lectures. The
room where we sat and watched "
Roman Holiday"
and plotted out
our own Audrey Hepburn
route, and reveled in all that Rome had to offer us. The room that had class going on when I was dragging my suitcase past before Spring Break and accidentally rammed it into the wall, knocking off a large chunk of tile while simultaneously bringing the Mythology class to a halt. It feels as though yesterday was the first time I stepped into it.
This doesn't
seem real. I've never been good at goodbyes, and the hardest thing I've had to realize during this last stretch of time in Rome is that many of these goodbyes could very well be forever. Yes, I'll come back here someday... but I may never see some of these people again.
I
didn't realize how deeply I
could plant my roots in
such a
short amount of time. I
never dreamed that Rome would touch my heart in the way that it did. Coming into this semester, I knew that it would go fast and that the world around me would change, but I couldn't have predicted just how much I would change inside. I have changed, in a lot of ways, hopefully for the better. I feel more aware of myself, of the world, and of God's presence. I've gained a deeper sense of confidence and independence, and I've learned how to make more time for stillness in the face of chaos. I've been a part of some incredible communities, both among the students here on the program and the Italians who attend daily Mass at San Andrea, where I go to Mass several evenings a week. I've met some amazing individuals who have inspired me and refueled my hope in the potential of one person to change the world. I've been able to see places I've only dreamed of, and to call this eternal and beautiful city home in a way that not many people will get to in their lives. I've acquired more patience (thanks especially to the Italian Post Office) and have strengthened my faith in the fullness of God's mercy and grace. I can't even put into words the deep gratitude that dances in my soul! I am, truly, the luckiest girl alive.
I'm excited to go back home, to share all that I've gained here and to move on towards the next path on which God has plotted out my life. He has much in store for me, so long as I trust Him and follow, and I feel ready for whatever lies ahead. I'm not afraid.
At the same time, I feel a little anxious about what things will be like when I return. I'll be spending all of finals week at Saint Mary's, and it will be odd stepping into a world that's been in motion for four whole months. The people I love so dearly back at school have changed and evolved in one direction, and I've done the same in my own ways. It will be interesting to see just where I'll fit back into the world of home, and which changes will remain visible as I readjust to life in America. There are so many things I've gained here that I pray to hold onto, and I just hope I can hold onto the right things as I move forward. More than anything, I'm looking forward to seeing everyone again, no matter what's changed in the past four months. I know that we'll all have a lot of catching up to do, but then we'll just pick right back up and embrace one another, and celebrate all that we've gained and all that's to come.
That's the best part... there's still SO much to come!
During this past couple weeks I've been on the wildest emotional roller coaster ride of my life. I've felt a million things at once, and more overwhelmed and excited and sad and thankful than I can even convey. But at the very center of it all, one thing has kept me rooted: my trust in God's plan. I'm not meant to settle in here when He has so much looming over the horizon for me. I've gained more here than I could have ever hoped to gain, but it's time to move on.
His grace hath brought me safe thus farAnd grace will lead me home.<3I love you all, and cannot wait to see you.
I'm alive!
So I'm safely back in Rome after my whirlwind tour of Ireland, and I have SO many stories to share! Yet again, I don't even know where to start.
I'm really sorry that this blog has become scarcely more than a photo gallery in the past month and a half! I knew things would start to get busy, but I didn't anticipate having this little time to actually write things about all my adventures. I'll be returning home two weeks from tomorrow, and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to post before that time. But I promise that once I get home, I'll continue to fill in the blank spots on here with the random stories and memories I've accumulated from this study abroad experience. So feel free to keep on reading, as I'll continue to post for quite some time!
Speaking of pictures, I'm also sorry that I haven't uploaded more to WebShots. It takes
forever to get them on there, which is very frustrating. I'm doing the best I can! I think I'll devote a whole day just to pictures sometime next week, though.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm back to the Eternal City for two more weeks of studying, packing, last minute sightseeing, gelato devouring (how I will miss it!) and goodbyes. This weekend I'll be showing my friend Kim around, then next week is our last week of classes. We'll have one study day on Friday (which is completely unfair because we have Friday's off anyway!!) and then finals start on Saturday. I have five total. Religious Studies Saturday, Music Appreciation Sunday, Art History and Philosophy Monday, and Italian Tuesday. Then I'm free for two days, in which time I'll be re-visiting all my favorite places, and closing out our journey with a gelato crawl. And, of course, I'll throw the coin over my shoulder and into the Trevi.
Because I will make it back here someday. At least, I pray.
More to come! But for now, a walk in the evening sunshine before class. Ciao!
Thank You!
Thank you, family, for helping me to share in the familiar joys (and mild chaos) of Easter back home. I wish I could have been there with you all! It sounds like it was a good time, and I'm definitely sad to have missed out on all those extra deviled eggs. But I look forward to seeing you in May! It's certainly coming fast.
I'm in Ireland right now and having a fabulous time! I'll be updating as soon as I can but it's very hard to find internet time while backpacking. Take care and I'll post again soon! Love you all.
Happy Easter!
Whew. That took FOREVER, but I'm glad it's all up. Hope you enjoy the pictures!
I also just wanted to say that I hope you all have a fabulous Easter. You're in my thoughts and prayers, and I can't even tell you how much I miss you. This is the first Easter I will ever spend away from my family... and that's going to be very hard on me. Mom, Dad, Kristy... I love you with all my heart and soul. Say hello to all the Vigil regulars for me, and be sure to enjoy an extra donut at Smokeybones after the Vigil Mass! And please sing extra loudly (Dad, please just sing. Period!)
To all extended family, I miss and love you too. I wish I could be there for brunch to see all the little ones and give you all hugs, but just know that if I could, I would be. I'm hugging you from afar!
And to all my fabulous friends, both from home and school... take care, and have a blessed Easter season. I can't wait to see you again!
God bless!
