Completely random
Whoa, it's already Christmas!
That definitely caught me off guard. I've been so caught up in this whole Old Blogger/New Blogger drama that I've lost track of everything. Apparently I'm going to need to switch everything over to this new system... but I can't seem to figure out how. I have a New Blogger account, with no blogs on it, and this old Blogger account with four blogs, which no idea how to reverse those numbers! (sigh) Ah, well. I'll worry about it a different day.
But for now, MERRY CHRISTMAS! Exactly one year and about two hours ago, my sister became ENGAGED! It was amazing, and every time I glance in the living room I just get these vivid flashbacks to the excitement of last year. Somehow, I learned of Chad's intentions before anyone else in my family... and keeping that quiet was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do! It all turned out beautifully, though. Kristy got home from Rome... life was good... we had some unpacking/bonding time, some family time, Mass, and then of course Chad's proposal by the Christmas tree! Not that we witnessed that. We "had to pick something up from Grandpa," haha. And then the next day, Tim's proposal to Aunt Jeanne...!! Wow. I nearly forgot how much was going on back then. My surgery, my mom's surgery, my dad's foot...
Anyway. This year has been really different... for one thing, there's no snow at all, so it really doesn't feel like Christmas. Also, getting back later brought Christmas even faster than I expected it, so it kind of snuck up on me. I bought gifts a lot later too, but didn't get a chance to make any of my watercolored cards, which is kind of depressing... so it feels kind of off, in some ways. Yet my time home has been wonderful! Today I watched "It's a Wonderful Life" twice with my dad while cooking in the kitchen all afternoon. We baked cookies, and some yummy Chex mix stuff, and homemade white chocolate-covered pretzels (which was an adventure!) I had fun with those though... we put sprinkles on them, and I even drizzled some with pink chocolate! It was a beautiful day too, with plentiful amounts of sunshine, a misty pastel sunset, and a clear starlit sky to grace our Christmas eve. Hopefully tomorrow is much the same--even if we don't have snow, at least we can enjoy nice days!
I've really been on a Josh Groban kick lately. His voice is incredible, and when you have that plus beautiful Italian lyrics you just can't go wrong. Italy! Ach, mein Gott... it's coming so fast. And I'm so excited! But it's so surreal... I DON'T FEEL READY! Okay, breathe... I can't worry about this yet. One day at a time. Deep breaths and baby steps.
Whew. I think I should go to bed. :-)
Goodnight, God bless, sweet dreams (with visions of sugarplums!) and Merry Christmas to you all!
Thoughts on farewells
I don't know if this is good or bad, or just something natural that happens over the course of life... but I feel like I'm learning how to say goodbye.
The goodbyes themselves aren't easy, by any means, nor will they ever be. But I'm learning how to discern that which merits a true goodbye versus that which I would deem a short-term goodbye. Most of the goodbyes I've been saying lately are the latter: they're merely temporary, unless (God forbid) something beyond anyone's control were to happen over the course of the upcoming semester. But in all hopefulness, these goodbyes are only awkward ways of saying, "See you in (insert # of months)!" with the underlying awareness that, upon returning, life will have evolved and both myself and those I'm saying farewell to will inevitably have changed. This change can be hard to deal with, yes, and perhaps that's what I've been fearing the most. Honestly, the deepest source of my anxiety over the past few weeks has been that sinking feeling in the back of my mind, that little voice telling me that nothing is ever going to be the same again. I know it to be true, based upon last year, as well as any ending I've ever faced in my life. I'm afraid to let go of everything I've been working to build up this year, out of a fear that it will crash back to the ground as soon as I step away. But I need to pause and remember that change is inevitable, and even the earth beneath our feet shifts over time. I have to trust the foundations I've built to God, and to realize that He alone will hold together that which is meant to last.
It's surprising, sometimes, what really is meant to last... Alas, it's rather bittersweet. Images flash through my mind, with memories of faces, laughter, music, tears... It's amazing how promises of forever can fade, and how feeble beginnings can build into unbreakable connections. Sometimes those true goodbyes sneak up on us over time, without our ever realizing there was any danger. Friends "forever" can grow apart, just as self-proclaimed enemies can grow into companions. I wonder what makes the difference, and what leads certain people to remain close and others to drift. Is it a matter of values? Or where we commit our time? Or does it just... happen? I don't have an answer to that. All I know is that sometimes the true goodbyes happen with the people we least expect to ever say goodbye to, and not even as the result of death, or a move, or a graduation. I've had to say true goodbyes to people even as they continued to touch on the outskirts of my life, wandering through like oddly familiar strangers, spreading shadows of the past as they went.
But even those goodbyes aren't necessarily forever. Even after a person has drifted away, you're still altered by the impression they leave on your heart, and the lessons you gain over the course of their journey through your life. In a way, every time you remember that person or think about them, you're defying the goodbye, letting them live on within you. This is particularly true for those goodbyes that result from death. It reminds me of the movie "The Lion King" -- "He lives in you." The ones we love never truly leave us, so long as we keep their memory and all that they stood for burning within us. Death is not a true goodbye. So what is, then? Maybe I was wrong... maybe there's no such thing as a true goodbye. No matter where we drift over the course of our lives, and even at our lives' ends, inevitably a little piece of our heart never says goodbye to those who have touched us in some way, whether we were aware of it or not. God knows no goodbyes. And if we recognize that, then we'll realize that we, too, have to trust that
all the goodbyes of our lives are merely temporary.
So here I sit, hunched over on my bed typing this, occasionally staring out the window at the cars that meander up and down my street, reflecting upon all that has come, and all that's yet to be. I find reassurance in these reflections, particularly as I stand on the verge of one of the most life-altering experiences yet to enter my young life. My world is going to be turned upside-down once more, and I'm going to do things I've never dreamed, and see things I've only read about. I'm going to see different sides of myself, and step beyond the sheltered walls of my life, and hopefully grow closer to God in the process. And when I come back, I'll find that I, like those I love and treasure, will have evolved. But it's going to be okay... and even though I'll have to reappraise the foundations I left behind, I know that if I just trust God, He'll lead to me on a steady path. Those who are meant to remain strong figures in my life will be there waiting for me, and even if things change, so be it. I'm a better person for having known each and every person to enter my life, and I'm grateful for what has been. What is to be, in a way, is up to those people, because Lord knows that when I return, I'll be ready and eager to pick up where we left off. I'll welcome each person as they enter in, and trust in God's ultimate plans for their lives and mine.
I'm learning how to say goodbye, at least temporarily... but now I know that none of these goodbyes will be forever. They can't be.
I'm going to defy goodbyes!
The Light in the Piazza
As I sit here drowning in finals studies, listening to the Showtunes fan station on my Yahoo Launchcast player (which I adore, by the way!), I've just discovered a musical called "The Light in the Piazza"! It takes place in Italy in 1954. I liked some of the lyrics and thought I'd share them. Ah, how I love Italy already!
I’m just a someone in an old museum.
Far away from home as someone can go.
And the beauty is I still meet people I know.
Hello!
This is wanting something, this is reaching for it,
This is wishing that a moment would arrive.
This is taking chances, this is almost touching
what the beauty is.
I don’t understand a word they’re saying,
I’m as different here as different can be.
But the beauty is I still meet people like me.
I’ve hardly met a single soul, but I am not alone.
I feel grown.
This is wanting something, this praying for it,
This is holding breath and keeping fingers crossed.
This is counting blessings, this is wondering when I’ll see that boy again.
I’ve got a feeling he’s just a someone, too.
And the beauty is, when you realize, when you realize,
Someone could be looking for a someone like you.
